I try hard not to think about you but you reside in the tenebrous edges of my mind illuminating yourself to me, now and again, in the moments I try hardest to forget you.
You’re here now. Your presence affects my whole being: each time I think about a misinformed or overt comment you made, or borrowed opinion you asserted, it makes me shift uncomfortably in my skin. I'm writing this letter in an attempt to feel settled.
To find peace, I need to understand you.
I think back to your experiences in the playground: the cruel words spat if you uttered an idea that didn’t fit in with others’ views. When you spoke your mind, or expressed your likes and dislikes, you were met with rolling eyes or cutting criticisms that set your cheeks aflame and framed your view in a crackling grey fog. Over time, your shoulders curved further inward and your head bowed lower, casting immovable shadows over your small form- the umbra darkened each time sharp tongues or searing sneers were directed at you.
You stopped being yourself: you learnt to imitate others and pass other opinions off as your own. You were the first to criticise to avoid the criticism. You rejected things you actually liked in fear of what others might say. You'd question other people when you were just questioning yourself. You put up with voices you should have stood up to- to silence. You put value into the worthless comments of others. You put yourself into a mindset where others could not hurt you but you were only hurting yourself. You let other people's views narrow your own vision.
Your apathy and negativity were draining; they made you look and feel ridiculous. But you were too scared to show enthusiasm or to try hard after being mocked for being intelligent. You weren't clever enough to see that their intentions were for you to withdraw, to coast and to crumble. They did a good job; they stifled your keenness and any remaining light.
Disquiet.
The version of you I remember makes me uneasy because other people see that inauthenticity as you. They do not know that you have grown and learnt to accept yourself. They have not seen that you have untangled yourself from the person you were pretending to be. They do not know that you are me...Why should I care what other people think? Old habits are hard to break, I guess.
Upon reflection, the best times were when you were truly yourself and with people who loved you for that very reason. It took you a long time to learn who you were. It's taken me until now to understand that.
If I could go back in time to speak with you, I'd tell you to be true to the person you are. Or maybe I would say absolutely nothing. After all, I know that – one day – you will be your genuine self.
